_______This blog was written when I was deciding whether to stay in Swaziland______
What do you do when you want to go back to things that are familiar. Things that are comfortable. Things that you have no problem succeeding in. Things that are not going to challenge you.
What do you do when you want to go back home? When you want to go to a place where you are accepted and where you are loved, and you are known always. Where people see you for the goodness that you bring to them. What do you do when you feel like you have given all you can give and you had to let go of things that you desire and that you want? When you know you are called to a place where you don’t have a desire to stay in. You don’t feel like you have reached anyone, you don’t feel like you’ve done a good job. What do you do when you have given all you can give and you are met with nothing in return? What do you do when you feel like you have blessed people so much yet you are met with rejection, disloyalty and a lack of love.
What can I do?
I miss my home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the people who lift me up in times of battle and times of need. I miss those who I can call any time of the day and they will be there. I miss the ability to see others and for them to see me the way that I am. I miss receiving grace in abundance. I miss being able to go and come freely and not having to always to take care of someone else. These are the things that I miss, but what do you do when you are not called to those things anymore? When you desire to hang up the towel?
The only thing that I can do, the only thing I know I should do, the thing that goes against every fiber of my being. The thing that doesn’t quite make sense to me.
Is to stay.
To stay in what is uncomfortable. To stay in the hardship. To live in the trenches and fight through the muck and myrrh. To be weighted down by water and still come out victorious. To do what I’ve been called to do, even though it hurts.
To know and see that God is good and that he has me in every situation and circumstance.
To stay. To wait. To learn. To gain. To be challenged. To finish my race.
So, I’ll stay.